The Clapping Song - Anita Harris

In this charity shop pop nugget, Saturday night TV panel quiz mainstay and thigh slapper supreme Anita Harris covers Shirley Ellis' bubblegum soul classic. She then throws Curly Whirlys into the audience at the Playhouse Theatre Derby. Clap slap.

Harris' version add some extra thigh slapping to all the hand clapping. Maybe a reference to her status as the leading pantomime principal boy, or maybe some form of self-harm obsessive compulsive behaviour. If you'd spent a huge part of your career as light entertainment's 'Miss Middle Square', jammed between Barbara Windsor and Barry Cryer you'd probably find that the only way to cope was by inflicting pain on yourself. Clap slap.

I miss the celebrity quiz shows of the seventies and eighties. The public knew their place then. And their place wasn't moving to the Algarve to renovate a farm house in a twelve part series. It was relying on Willie Rushden (Mr Top Right) to know that Omar Sharif starred in Doctor Zhivago and not Doctor Zebra in order to win his and her's towelling dressing gowns and 'stylish his and her's quartz watches.

Quartz? Eh?

> Download this (2.5 MB)

Amateur Hour - Sparks

Sparks duo Ron and Russel Mael, the creepiest siblings this side of the Chuckle Brothers, and their ode to scampi-in-a-basket caberet and the sweaty audition.

It's like that audition scene that's in every film. All quick cuts: the fat one, the old one that tap dances, the woman who barely opens her mouth before they yell "next". It's almost as entertaining as the 'Put your gun down' 'No, you put your gun down', scene that happens thirty minutes later just as your legs are starting to go numb. Clap slap.

I once worked on an interactive TV game for the Chuckle Brothers show. We kicked off the project with coffee and a screening of the show with the show's producer and my design manager, a flakey, gobby woman from LA. As the preview tape of the show started and the Chuckle Brothers appeared, my manager held her hand to her mouth and in her nasal Californian way shrieked, "Oh my gaaad, They look like they've got HIV." I snorted coffee through my nose.

Which was almost as funny as the time I got into a fight in a specialist record shop for claiming that my favourite reggae song was Caribbean Queen by Billy Ocean.

> Download this (3.3 MB)

Manifesto & Book News

If it's ever been on K-Tel or Ronco, it's in. If it features hand claps, cow bells, syrupy orchestration, walls of sound, wrecking crews, sha-la-las, toothy teen idols, candy-based metaphors for carnal acts or lyrics about hugging, squeezing and rocking all night long, it's in.

Are you the Keymaster? I love chicken and chips.



> Martin Lampen (latest book news, contact details and other stuff)

Collect 'em all: week 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | 83 | 84 | 85 | 86 | 87 | 88 | 89 | 90 | 91 | 92 | 93 | 94 | 95 | 96 | 97 | 98 | 99 | 100 | 101 | 102 | 103 | 104 | 105 | 106 | 107 | 108 | 109 | 110 | 111 | 112 | 113 | 114 | 115 | 116 | 117 | 118 | 119 '| 120 | 121 | 122 | 123 | 124 | 125 | 126 | 127 | 128 | 129 | 130 | 131 | 132 | 133 | 134 | 135 | 136 | 137 | 138 | 139 | 140 | 141 | 142 | 143 | 144 | 145 | 146 | 147 | 148